I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
