I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
