I think im going to throw up on grandma
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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