when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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