I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
