Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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