Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
