I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
