so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
