I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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