i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
