ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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