So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
