apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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