I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
