I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize