also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
