I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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