being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
