i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize