At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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