I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
