It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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