I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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