What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
