How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
