She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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