I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
