I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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