How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
