I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
A+ Viking dick
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