I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
