Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
