The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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