Swine flu. Run for my life!
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
