woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
