how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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