he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize