ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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