Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
