he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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