no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
