I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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