Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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