my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
