nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
