I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
