If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
