Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
