By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize