I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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