I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
