i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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