Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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