Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
