you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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