omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
