Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
