Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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