I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
